A tiny ache that doesn’t matter.

I am a dumb when it comes to movies and acting. I know these big words like cinematography, screenplay, director etc exists in the world of cinema. But my knowledge about them is not well equipped to comment which is the quality work or who is a better actor or director. I love watching films and that too just for entertainment. But there is this one actor for whom the world has only praises. Irrfan Khan. With an extra ‘r’ to his name, the way he preferred it.

I don’t know anything about acting. So, I can never comment on how good or bad his acting was. All I can say is every time I saw this man on screen, I just believed him. I totally forgot that he’s Irrfan Khan and thought he was really a college rowdy in ‘Haasil’, a doting father in ‘Angrezi Medium’, a retiring accountant in ‘The Lunchbox’ and the list goes on! Unlike the other big Khans of Bollywood. He did some magic that the viewers were forced to believe him. And this magic hit me real hard just six months back, making me sit-up and admire his work.

Just two weeks back I was watching ‘Angrezi Medium’ and I promised myself that the next time an Irrfan Khan movie releases I would definitely watch it in the theatre. Alas! That’s never going to happen.

A week back on that terrible day it was 11 am and I was still sleeping. It felt like someone hammered my head real hard when my sister was announcing his death on top of her voice. I sat up startled and said, “I am not going to waste my thoughts on some stupid WhatsApp forward which is definitely a rumour. I have had enough of that in recent times.”

My sister replied, “akka it’s true! Read Irrfan Khan’s Wikipedia page.” I grabbed my phone and did as instructed. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read ‘Died: 29 April 2020’.

I said, “Did you know that anyone can edit that page? It’s definitely a mistake and will be rectified soon.”

I opened my Instagram as usual and it was flooded with posts of his death and mourning. My mind refused to process that news as my mouth kept repeating, “inna lillahi va inna ilaihi rajioon.” It took me two days for the news to sink in. And when it did, something broke inside me. I could hear my voice shouting at me, “I will definitely watch his next film in the theatre.” And the realisation that its never going to happen made me cry. I wept myself to sleep for the next five days and now I’m here writing this blog.

It’s A Tiny Ache That Doesn’t Matter because there are bigger grief of actors, directors who wanted to work with him, his friends and family. And here I am crying because I won’t be able to watch him on the big screen. Also I can’t cry in front of my family because they are going to laugh and mock me.

My ache might look tiny to others but it means a lot to me. His sudden death left me shattered. I could actually feel that dialogue, “I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye.” from the movie ‘Life Of Pi’.

From now on every time I go to a movie theatre I would be reminded of Irrfan Khan’s death. And that’s going to be terrible!